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[07 Mar 2006|07:38pm] |
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I just thought this needed an update.
...I plan on moving to Grand Rapids in 1 month.
Thats all.
<3
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| I'm sorry. |
[19 Jan 2006|04:26am] |
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I can only apologize for my past so many times.
I can only feel nothing but regret for hurting the people that I have.
I talked to him today.
It broke my heart to hear that he hated me.
I don't care what had happend and how much I could say I hate him...hate is too strong to admit that I do. Too much happend and too much will be with me the rest of my life to admit to hating.
I love you, Amanda. Please don't think this is anything changing with us.
It just hurts. To know that someone you loved, hates you. Because of what you did. And wants to forget all those memories.
Ok, I'm sorry.
I don't regret my decision.
I only regret the way things happend and turned out.
You were special to me. I care about you. And you will always hold a place in my heart. But nothing changes what you did.
And I can't help but feel like you are tearing me down to feel worse about myself.
Then, you claim you love me. Still. Why?
Life is weird. I never thought I would be put into a situation like this. I just don't want to lose someone who was once so importnat to my life. Because of something stupid and because they won't listent to what I have to say.
I'm sorry. But when I needed you. You werne't there. And now that you don't need me i'm here. But, I don't know what to do. You know i'm here. You will never read this.
I care. I do. I'm sorry you felt a need to end your life because of me. I never really knew I was that important to you. But, I wish you could understand that it would have never worked. You just aren't what I wanted.
And I see that now. And I know I loved you. But I don't anymore and I can't change what has happend and I don't think we need to go back. But all I asked for was your friendship.
I wanted a friend. A true friend. and to you that was taking a step back. Well, one step back. isnt always a bad thing. I'm just sorry.
Where I am now is happy. I wish you the best, I wish you could be to, and I wish you were in my life. Just not in the sense of what you want.
I will never turn back, I will never admit this was all my fault. I can only tell you i'm sorry.
Maybe I wish this all had never happend. Any of it. The 2 years. And everything. But, I won't shut out my memories of us. Because no matter how hard it may be, I move past that. And I realize, that what I did was for the best.
I couldn't always keep you happy, I had to keep myself happy. And now, I can make others happy.
I'm sorry.
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| Just another day... |
[10 Jan 2006|08:16pm] |
Sooo....
My cats were kicked out of my apartment.
No one wants them. But tracey is taking Booger<3
I'm afraid she will run away.
I was accused of starting this huge drama at work.
And I hate my boss.
ALong with her little friend.
TobEy Died.
I got a $150.00 impeding traffic ticket.
I have this burden that I didn't go to school this semester worrying me.
My bills are past due.
I need a new job.
And life just blows right now.
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| I miss you.. |
[12 Dec 2005|01:35am] |
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I think we all know...Death is not something I deal with well. And I would just like to say...
I miss him... he taught me a lot. Although people may seem one way. They are comepletely different and everyone has feelings. Don't judge...I don't know
I miss her... She, is one I grew close to, just as I realized she was going to die. I miss her face, and her comments and how she enjoyed my cooking. And how, she would talk about feeling fine when I knew she was in pain. I miss how much she would complain and make me so mad. I miss taling to her. I miss her attitude, and I miss her sense of humor. I miss her conversations. I wish I could have known her longer.
I miss him too...I miss our fun.I miss his life. I miss seeing him when I hadn't in so long. It's been too long.
I wish I would have met him... He raised my mother..and although she didn't think to much of him, I still wish I could have known him.
And him...I didn't know him at all. Just a name, but his funeral tore me up. I wish all the best to his family and...I love them.
Here I go again, Thinking. I could lose someone at any moment. And I don't feel safe enough to be able to deal with that.
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| There was a time, I don't know when... |
[09 Nov 2005|11:48pm] |
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Soooo...you're pretty much only getting an update once in a GREAT WHILE. hah
Ehh, no one reads these anyway :o) I know! Soo.. lets see.. Life is.. up and down? One minute its great and another it falls into a hole. So to Speak. I am screwing myself over in school because I'm so stressed out and panicking about this TSA job I REALLY hope I get it<3<3 Sent the letters in today so now, all we do is wait..and wait...and wait.. and HOPE!!!!! Then, theres my mother and father, I don't want to get into them again, but lets just say their crazy.
Then I have 2 cats that drive me nuts. I hate them. :)
Then I'm so happy with everything thats happening with Amanda and I.
I've realized how important she is to me, and how wonderful we are together. I've also realized what my friends are *truly* like. So, For the most part I like about *2* of them. But i'm sure the feeling is mutual from them I just, don't lie about it. :o) Well, I've made a couple ?friends? at school, And I really can just tell how fake they are. It's ridiculous that people are like that, but they act so nice to me, and then just...don't include me in things? lol yeah, stupid but they are fake.
My birthday is now 16 days away. I plan on having *loads* of fun. If my sisters don't ruin it for me, because THEY TEND TO DO THAT. :o) But, I decided that...:o) Friends of mine... i.e. Michelle, Sunshine, Jackie..If you are too *uncomfortable* to hang out with your *friend* on her birthday at a gay club, I have to say..I don't want you there. Although, I love you<3 and I would LOVE IT beyong belief for you to come, If you honestly can't whatever then, I don't want you there anyway! :o) Even though some of you said you could go, I know I am making you and I feel wrong for that...so, just decide on your own terms mmkay<3
So..My *friend's* step-father, and my fathers *friend* Passed away this weekend. I have to say, it wasn't too unexpected, but it was. I didn't think i'd care as much as I did. But, you know, I'm not that horrible that I would have no affect from it. So, yeah. I feel bad for my father, he's pretty beaten up for it. I also feel bad for some other people. important people to me. And, for once in my life, I fee like theres nothing I can do to help, and thats weird. I'm not like that.
Also, I noticed that no one cares about being with their family for christmas, and I find that to be very stupid! Thats what makes me hate christmas soo much. PEOPLE! Christmas= Family..So why doesn't everyone...DO THAT! Annoying whatever. I'll spend christmas with my family. Yeah, Amanda. Sunshine. and Friends which equal family. :o)
Thanksgiving is fun, you get to eat. Aren't you excited? And thanksgiving means SHAWNAS BIRTHDAY. So, PRESENTS ALL AROUND!
hah. I'm funny.
Good night
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[27 Sep 2005|11:58pm] |
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Soooo.... I'm sitting here downloading all these sappy old songs :o) really, making me happy though. I'm looking at my pictures here and I really do, miss my friends. I miss the way things were and although I know things change, I only wish they hadnt. I never thought boys...or girls in my case, would basically tear us apart. Although, we still talk<3 its not the same.
Anywho... this month is going to be hectic. So, I go to school Tuesdays and Thirsdays. From 9:30 am when I leave until 8:00pm when I get home<3 Oh fun, and I HAD planned on going to sunshines to visit after 8 pm on those days but I have yet to do that because i'm usually too tired on those days. I was working only weekends...but..that changed and Well, now. I work everyday...but the days I have school...so, 5 days a week<3 which is normal. But, I would HONESTLY like one day off. But, I enjoy the hours I do, and me and amanda are making hella money, which suprisingly, doesn't buy you happiness but it sure makes you feel good for a while haha. On top of that I am taking my 3 HOUR TEST for the TSA :o) So, hopefully I get that job<3 woo hoo bigger moooolahhh. :o)AND Amanda wants to work at this..place? I don't know what its called MAG? I think. Which is office work, which she thinks she might want to do :o) So, I hope if she gets it she enjoys it :o) I want her happy!
We got paid today...me, hah only $245.00 :o) thats uhm half the rent lol. Amanda though...big baller...$601.00 :o) She will be taking me out. haha No, I'm kidding, so the other half the rent and she has $400.00 for herself<3 She's happy ;o) with that! ditto here!
Not that anyone will know what I'm talking about here, but we finally bought some toothpaste and we didn't even buy the right kind, the kind we like. So Ick! I'm excited about the halloween party... I'm supposed to work that day , but MOST LIKELY I can switch with someone...so HOPEFULLY ! If not, I'll be working till 11 and everyone can party without me..until then haha :o) But, yeah I want to know whos coming everyone is invitied. If you want to come, let me know.:o) and if you;re coming let me know, but you HAVE TO dress up!!! MANDATORY. :O) I'm excited...
I think I'm beginning to miss myt blonde hair. Although I hated it...I think I want it back...Or actually I just want to bleach it..hah. :o) I found a cute!!!! hairstyle from someone that I want..and oh my..I want it. Maybe I can get it done soon<3. I get $3000 in the mail soon. WOO HOO :o) haha. Bet you, you don't!~ :o) no really, It's only like school money and its more like $2300 so boo lol.
Well, I hope that was a good enough update.. I don't know what else to say. I'm tired.
<3
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| I'm a NEW person...or I want to be |
[16 Sep 2005|01:57am] |
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So driving home from school today. I decided. I'm not who I want to be. I realized I'm very caught up int hings around me. Don't get me wrong, I'm very HAPPY :O). But there are certain things I am going to change.
I want ot live for the moment. Make every day a spontaneous one. I used to think that being in a relationship made you feel tied down. But, I was wrong. Maybe if you're with the wrong one you're tied down, but as for me..i'm free to dow hatever I want. So to speak. lol I don't mean I will go out and date many people because I have no will or need to do so. I'm completely and utterly in love. I can make my own choices from now on, and I haven't realized it. I can choose whom I talk to or who I don't. I can party, laugh, cry, sing, dance, and act as immatufre as I want to. Because who do I have to stop me AND...why not? If I could I would run out and jump out of a plane tomorrow.
I'm 18 years old. And that is very young. I've only lived 18 years, in 18 more years i'll be 36 and thinking about what i've done with my life. And i'm sure, i'll be happy with it. I've made mistakes I've apologized, well, i'm done apologizing for my past. What happens, happens. I regret because I am ...alive... I've made huge sacrifices for people. My life as of now could have been completely different but I made those choices in my position...
I love my Grandmother, and Amanda, and My Best Friend!!!!, and sooooooo many people. I've never realized how much I love them<3 They are my strength. But, from now on. I'm going to try to be a new me.
I hope you love me<3
Shawna Michelle Allen :o)
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| Finally somewhere to grow.. |
[01 Sep 2005|01:01pm] |
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So since, my last entry. I guess some has happend. I went to Florence's Funeral. And although I had to sit through this long "churchy" all about jesus thing. It really made me feel a lot better. I'm not so scared now, I'm more happy that she's happy? I don't know. I don't believe in all that, "going to a better place" mumbo jumbo but for right now. I want to say I do. Just to make me feel a little better about how she is doing. It's weird how in such a short time, someone can make an impact on your life. I think about a lot of things I remember talking to her about when she was up and at 'em. I remember funny things, how she would laugh at me. :o) And how she really liked the way I made oatmeal<3 :o) Her family, were some of the nicest people I have ever met. They really liked me, and yet they barely knew me. They were very happy that their mother is happy now. I wish all of them the best of luck in everything they do from now on.
I really hope I don't have to experience something like that again. Although I almost feel as if I have grown from it. I have a lot of questions. And for once, its something I don't want to talk about. Which is weird because I always want to talk about everything that happens in my life.
Amanda got a job<3 We are happy!...er! lol We will make lots of money now<3 And have no more money stress. Although it wasn't THAT bad before...but now maybe we can go out together or...seperate. :o) Our anniversery passed last month. :o) 1 year it is. I bought her flowers, she said no one had bought her flowers before, but I just felt she needed something<3 Because I love her. We are still doing very good.
I guess right now, I'm learning you have your ups and downs but it will work out in the end. When I get down...I get down! So, Amanda...I'm sorry. School is starting soon. Sept. 6th. I'm still 2365.00 dollars short on my bill PLUS school books, that we have no idea where this money is coming from BUT all is good. MY MOTHER wants me to take a year off....HA please. My Grandmother wants to help me but can't which I wouldn't let her anyways. And my father...doesn't talk to me. He keeps telling me to exercise? Okay, shut the fuck up. My sister CLAIMS she wants to talk to me, but never does...You know there is EAMIL AND HEY EVEN LETTER...IN THE MAIL, MAIL! gee. Would anyone else like to write to me? I want to write letters to a lot of people but well, I don't.
Maybe I will today. :o)
I'm going to pick up Peanut today. He's coming to live with us, and boog. We bought a new litter box yesterday. Fancy smancy. You know... and we're getting a couch, and many other things, OHHH and a desk<3 wooo..lol
Alright. THATS about all I have for now.
<3 Shawna
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| I hate to complain |
[25 Aug 2005|06:36pm] |
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I don't know if anyone really knows where i work lately. But, its an adult foster care home or assisted living home for the elderly whichever. And, you know its been so great, I love it there. The men and women living there are just absolutely adorable. The place is great. Well, a couple weeks ago, one of them got sick, and was bed ridden...her name was Florence. Shes a very sweet, funny, and spoiled spoiled lady. Although I ghaven't really gotten the chance to get to know her as well as I should have. And at times, she upset me because of "pain" that wasn't really there. She was sweet. Last night, I worked midnights, I went into check on florence, and found her not breathing..<3 2 days ago, hospice said she had a week left to live. But she died last night on my watch. Although I know it was her time to go, I feel almost guilty. Her daughter, who had been staying at the home to be with her mother, was there talking to me but not in the room with Flo, I feel as if, I kept her from her mother, and her daughter even said, her mothers greatest fear was that she would die alone. And, when I told her daughter that I didn't think florence was breathing she called her family and said she died alone. I felt as if, I had kept her, I felt as if...no more could be done on my part. Which, is true. I could not stop shaking for the longest time. I even told Sandy, her daughter, that I was afraid of death, and people dying and being around it. It breaks my heart, and I've never had to experience anyone "close" to me die, and It scares me more than anyone can imagine. Now, I worry 18 hours after I found Florence, if I can do this job. My mother said, in all her years she never saw found anyone dead, but experienced it. I just wonder how anyone can do this. I don't know if I'm cut out for it. I'm going to miss Florence, It's weird to know that she won't be there anymore. I couldn't cry when I found her. I couldn't I felt like it wasn't my place. I thought for some stupid reason, her daughter might be upset with me. All I could do was think about how scary that was.... and I don't know, I feel fine. But, now i'm worried about everyone around me. Maybe this will go away.
R.I.P
Florence Siwajek
(Aug 25th, 2005. 12:25am)
...I will miss you.
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| Love |
[03 Jul 2005|11:34pm] |
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1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.
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| Permit me...to inform you.. |
[03 Jul 2005|11:28pm] |
So heres whats new...Me and amanda and stacy, tony, mandy, and her friend went to the parade. I was having so much fun, until the point of my drunk sister decided to getmad and cry at me, and ruined my day. But we're not getting into that., So...now i'm watching queer as folk..oh yeah :o) With amanda, and booger...our annoying cat<3 I don't know what to talk about.... Okay, i'm done<3<3<3<3<3
I love you,Amanda<3
:o)
:o)
:o)
<3 Shawna
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| Chicago<3 |
[25 Jun 2005|11:58am] |
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GONE IN CHICAGO FOR PRIDE PARADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3
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[22 Jun 2005|01:11pm] |
So, I decided maybe I'll update and maybe just maybe I'll keep updating, I haven't been on here in so long. I think it was last week I remembered about LJ and came on here and read everyones journals, and posted in a ew and after that I forgot to check back if anyone had wrote back until today<3 haha. So lame. So whats new...
Last night I was very sick < /3
Our kitty booger is growing up and so big, and so annoying and RUINING my computer chair<3
Amanda and I are great<3
We go to chicago pride this weekend ohhh, the fun!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our sign from sunshines surprise birthday party is still up.
School sucks, I don't like goin g four days a week, getting up so early, AND trying to keep up with boring math teacher. (The weird thing is I usually like school, and i've hated it all, college boo)
I dyed my hair brown<3
I am now a RCA at Mortenview Manor<3 Oh yeah, thats right. I know
I'm additcted to myspace. haha
I do nothinkg but sleep, school, work?, eat, and sleep
Money is a huge issue...we have NONE<3 I had to borrow $100 from my mother oh, that sucks
I'm dying...
No, I don't know....I have a real bad headache right now. I can't wait until this weekend. And EMILY, IF YOU READ THIS...YOU should really come visit me since you are here, like some day.... except I'm leaving saturday so, not then<3 Okay...
I think thats about it for right now. Maybe i'll write some more later.
<3 Shawna
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| So one more time<3 |
[26 Apr 2005|10:40pm] |
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I could not ask for more/ |
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I haven't wrote in here in so long. It seems like I have a lot to say too, I just don't write?
I think I finally have a new job. Hopefully making money, yes, money! And I moved into my new apartment. It's ehh. I mean, don't get me wrong I love it here, me and amanda are soo happy<3 We're so caught up in each other I don't think we realize things going on around us. The man below us, works here, and he plays these video games so loud that my floor vibrates. Now, I'm too scared to go down and ask him to stop or, call and complain. So I just deal and complain to amanda, and frankly I think she's getting sick of me and him! Otherwise I'm quite happy here. We need a couch<3, some tables, a toaster, and some bedroom stuff but otherwise right now, I couldn't ask for more.
I'm tired, I have an 11am orientation, and then my final for math is at 6pm..boo on that. But, tomorrow i'm nervous about.
My mother is driving me nuts.Sometimes the woman just gahhh. whatever.You know, I don't know whats going on with my parents but their so confusing and stupid. It just annoys me. One minute they're getting a divorce, the next, their working things out, then they're taking a seperation and back to divorce. Now, tell me, can we make up our mind please? I realize, they've been married what...28 years now? But come on... It's either working or it's not and let me tell you, it hasn't been working for YEARS!
My dog got put to sleep last week. They told me it was going to happen but didn't tell me they wouldn't let me say goodbye. Now, I have no...?closure? and I had weird dreams about him and it's sad. I miss my doggy... :o( I guess I never realized that a pet means something to a person just as much as a person does. :o( I hope he's okay now.
I want to have a house warming party. The onyl thing is me and amanda can't afford to feed everyone so...any ideas? And...anyone wanna come? :o)
Life's just a bit complicated right now<3
<3 me
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[10 Apr 2005|12:40pm] |
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:o)
Denny<3 If you read this, MY SISTER wants to talk to you :o)
<3 Shawna
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[30 Mar 2005|10:14pm] |
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Sooooo.....since everyone likes to complain that I don't up date, i'm updating. And I just got my nails done today so bear with me on the spelling if I screw up. Wow this is to0ugh ...see !!! that? :o) Sheesh
Okay, so..whats new...Um I've been working everday except for monday and wednesdays which is where I go to school. So no time for myself really :o/ Then, I went and seen the apartment I want to move into, hnave to wait unbtil I get paid on the 8th though. :o) My 3 month old cousin died on Tuesday I went to his funeral on saturday. It was sad, I cried..It was really an unreal situation, you never want to see baby get buried :o( Yeah, and my poor cousin tammy (the babys mommy) was a wreck, I felt horrible and I had no idea what to say to her I nkmnew I couldn't help :o( Yeah, my parents also said they were getting a divorce but, that changed..so whatever!
I had a bad week, in a way. I wasn't affected by it all until the day of the funeral and I just felt like crap. Devon was here for the weekend and I only saw her for like 2 hours :o( She told me she loved me and Iswear my heart broke :o( Because it'zs just unfair that I never get to see her and because I don't live at home I REALLY don't get to see her :o(
Well, work is stupid I hate it. But, it's money. I have homework tonight. My car is running which is good<3 I have one even though I hate it. And I locked my keys in it the other day </3
I need to get my tattoo finished but, no money. I was supposed to do this diet thing. But NOOOOOO. whatever. I WAS looking forward to it :o( I need it, I hate myself lately. But, i'm done
Okay, Thats all for now.
Oh...Bye
<3 Shawna
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| Some people just annoy the..... outta me!!! |
[21 Mar 2005|06:15pm] |
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Yet again and again and again, I have more to complain about.
My job, yep it sucks! SUCKS!
Boo on that job, it's sooooooo BORING! Sheesh! Another thing... The people that work that...SUCK!! BOO on them!
I officially feel like my friends DO NOT care if I am in their life or not. I hate feeling like that. I always used to feel like that. And then my friends would call me ALL the time, feeling all appreciated and everything but no, not now. They just stopped talking, calling whatever. Just a simple phone call would make me feel good but no, I don't even get that. Friendship can be a two way thing. But everytime I call my friends they seem to be busy and yet, they NEVER call me. :o( I feel like crap. Friends, just suck. It's too hard to keep up with them, when you have school, and they don't call. I don't know. Maybe when I get my own place and cell phone I will get more phone calls from my so called "friends".
Someone in this house is driving me up a WALL! GOSHHHHHHH
I have to stop writing I have nothing to say.
my oh my
<3 Shawna
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| I'm gunna be broke soon... |
[13 Mar 2005|11:39pm] |
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Craig Morgan ? |
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Sooo, lately i've decided i was going to spend 800 dollars. No, really I keep just racking up the charges on my credit card and boom i'm going to have bills i can't pay but hey maybe a job will help that. Anyway
I'm going to get my badge and be put on the schedule at work tomorrow!!! :o) I'm excited. I can't wait to start working. It's a bit scary but nice that I am going to have money. yay
So, last night I got a new tattoo<3 On my chest... ouchy, yes, ouchy. Amanda was right there with me :o) But she hates it. I like it though, I'm very happy with it so far. I have yet to get it colored but the outline is here :o).
The other day I finally got "MY" car from Tony and pffft... what a piece. Yeah It's a car, it runs but i'm very disappointed in it. I guess i'm just going to have to deal because I need to find a place to live first. Which I'm very scared about. I hope hope hope I can find a place. When you know....I save money to put a downpayment and what not..allllll that you know.
I finally saw Michelle today<3 and Kerry :o) and Sunshine :o) and Jackie, yesterday :o) What a good weekend.
Me and Amanda had a very good weekend together. WELL, I hope she did. I did. yesterday I kept her out all day <3 Shopping, getting my tattoo , going to my house, going to my sisters work. ALL THIS...STUFF. :o) We bought each other promise rings <3 But shh... She may not want me to say anything. But, I don't know why she would care. I'm sorry, Amanda...incase you do! <3 I love you
I want to buy new clothes. I can't find any, anywhere!!!! Sucks. I'm going to buy new shoes..eventually. I bought new hoodies :o) Online, but I have to pay more money for my tattoo, and get that ghetto piece of car fixed :o) But evertually I will..buy new things :o)
I'm really done talking about absolutely nothing now. So, Bye
<3Shawna
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shawnamichelle's journal